Often in life, the sense of feeling lost. The fleeting sense of purpose is, more often than not, the only thing we can count on. Especially at an early age. Being 22, I never had a sense of certainty. Except for those few days that I had just graduated; only for me to realise a week later, that I have no squat of anything closer to an idea on what to bloody do.
Even now, having a job that pretty much suits my passion, the feeling of satisfaction is far from being reached. Let alone knowing why am I even here in the first place.
Thing is, all those lecturers, teachers and parents forgot to tell us about the real world when they told us to dream. And I am not trying to discourage you from achieving anything, I’m sure if you’re determined enough, you can.
But when we fall into a trap of devoting everything we do in life into one purpose, at first, we will (or at least I have) be disappointed by the hollow feeling of achieving virtually nothing, but that job title (or that thing you’ve been wanting to buy, or that girl you’ve been dreaming to date.)
It is quite hard to grasp at what our purpose really in life. Is it pre-determined? is it totally in our control? Do other aspects play parts in it too?
And no, I’m not here to help you answer any of that. Frankly, I’m writing here so that I can ask that question myself.
But being almost 23, what I get so far is that, there is no one purpose. There shouldn’t be. And I’m now quite sure that it can either be very individual and selfish, or very social and unselfish.
As things stand, I have the job of my life, I earn a liveable income and I am as healthy as a randy rabbit. But somehow I am still hollow. And I’m not even worried about being single or anything, I’m not sure that it would make any difference anyway. It’s just that I’ve been very pre-occupied with the process of getting all these things, that when I’ve sort of settled a bit, those things that make me happy (or once I thought to be) has either slipped away or not even there at the first place. And once you see the things around you slows down and settle, then your heart will start to form holes.
Problem is, I’m not quite sure why’s that the case.
Once you make enough mistakes in your life (buying things you don’t need, dating someone you know won’t make the time worth, losing someone who’ll actually make the time worth, going places with somebody you loathe, going places by yourself, going places with the people you love, ladidadida, the list could go on for literally days), you begin to build barriers, that helps you inhibit yourself from doing such thing again. You just sort of refrain yourself from doing the things you once can’t wait to do, because you either know that it will only lead to fake satisfaction, or that you know it won’t worth your time (because you just know it won’t be as good as the last time).
So chances are, you’ll more often end up not doing anything at all. Except of course if you know it will be worth it or at least, give you the same feeling as last time.
Or maybe, you’re just simply too sick and tired of doing those things again now that you feel like you are already an “adult”.
I get into what I do now, by dreaming that I could change the world while having happy moments in life and the things that I want. And as it turns out, it is a very achievable but extremely high order, given my age.
You got pat so often in the back, that you forgot about the fact that the real world is a jungle. And even when you thrive in the jungle, nobody would pat you no more now. And even if you have worked hard to climb the highest trees, there will be others that are more productive, skillful, and successful than you are.
No matter how great of a treehouse you have made there, it’s a jungle nonetheless. Others can easily get in and out of that place and loot whatever the fuck they want.
So I guess the keyword here is “purpose”. And it needs to be progressive. It needs to be tangible. I mean you shouldn’t, by all means, forget who you are. But you shouldn’t be trapped by a drive that’s been expired for years too. By a fuel that has now run out and unsuitable for the current environment.
Evolution, it seems, is there for a purpose after all.